[DARLA walks into a coffee shop and scowls. Thomas is behind the counter.]
THOMAS
Well, you look like a bowl of sunshine this morning.
DARLA
You are wearing green.
THOMAS
I am.
DARLA
And it’s Friday.
THOMAS
It is.
DARLA
I get 20 bucks!!
[DARLA sits down on the counter and begins to dig through the tip jar on the counter, taking bills out.]
THOMAS
Ah, c’mon, Darla. The pink shirt was dirty. I’ll wear it tomorrow.
DARLA
No! I chose today because I knew you were hanging with your manly-man, homophobic guy friends. Besides, I need new charcoal pencils. So deal.
[THOMAS sighs and begins to make DARLA a latte.]
THOMAS
You know, maybe I should avoid pink for a while. I just came out to them, like, two weeks ago. I wouldn’t want to scare them.
DARLA
Ha! Scare them! They like playing football and shooting wild bears, but one gay kid comes along and they duck for cover.
THOMAS
D*** straight. Us gay kids are scary. [looking out the window.] Did you get a new car?!
DARLA
Sure did! Saved up for the beast and everything.
THOMAS
[Staring off into space, day dreaming]
I need a car…
DARLA
I’d say. I’m really getting sick of driving you around. If I didn’t need the rent money, I don’t think I’d bother.
THOMAS
Thanks.
DARLA
Oh, come on now, you know I love you, dude. Man up.
[THOMAS shakes his head and starts cleaning things behind the counter, wiping down things, ect.]
THOMAS
So what are you planning for tonight?
DARLA
You know, I don’t have plans. Crazy, right? Darla Jones: friend to all, planless on a Friday night. [Pauses to think.] Ooh, I know, we should throw a party!
THOMAS
I can’t. I’m hanging out with the Scouts guys tonight. You know that.
DARLA
You can invite them.
THOMAS
A party? With my friends and your friends?
DARLA
Sure! It’ll be fun!
THOMAS
Fun isn’t quite the word I’d use.
DARLA
And what word would you use, Mr. Thesaurus?
THOMAS
Oh, something along the lines of disastrous.
DARLA
You, Tommy, are a pessimist. It would be extraordinary fun! Like one big social experiment!
THOMAS
You want to experiment on our friends?
DARLA
Why not? Life is a stage!
THOMAS
Wrong metaphor.
DARLA
Life is a…laboratory!
THOMAS
Bad metaphor. You, my dear, are a sick, twisted woman.
DARLA
You just want your stupid Scouts friends to like and accept you.
THOMAS
Is that so wrong?
DARLA
Your friends should accept you for who you are, Thomas. If those guys can’t, then that’s their problem.
THOMAS
Easier said than done. Besides, I don’t think you of all people should be talking.
DARLA
Whatever do you mean?
THOMAS
Must I remind you of a certain Robert...and, um, blue hair dye?
DARLA
OK, 1. How dare you bring that up! And 2. There is a distinct difference between doing stupid stuff for a lover and doing stupid stuff for friends.
THOMAS
If you say so.
DARLA
Unless…Oh my God, you’re in love with one of the Scouts!
THOMAS
I am not!
DARLA
You are! You totally are! Which one? The one with the good hair? Because there’s only one with good hair. It better be the one with good hair.
[THOMAS sighs]
THOMAS
I’m not in love with one of the Scouts guys and even if I was, that wouldn’t change the fact that I care what they think about me.
DARLA
[Sarcastically]
Riiight.
[The door opens and CARIE walks in]
CARIE
What’s up, kidlets?
DARLA
Thomas is in love with one of the Scouts guys.
CARIE
[To THOMAS]
Really? The one with good hair?
THOMAS
I am not in love with one of the Scouts guys.
DARLA
He so is.
[THOMAS throws his arms into the air and flings his head back in frustration. CARIE laughs.]
CARIE
Hey, drama queen, make me a latte, would ya?
THOMAS
Yeah, yeah. Quit complaining. It’s free. You can’t complain about free stuff.
CARIE
I can complain about whatever I’d like, thank you very much.
DARLA
I have a complaint to offer.
THOMAS
Why am I not at all surprised by that?
DARLA
When can we leave? I mean, didn’t your shift end 5 minutes ago?
THOMAS
We can leave as soon as Mark gets here. He’s late, as usual.
[CARIE looks down, suddenly sad]
DARLA
Hey! You do not get to be sad about that d-bag. He’s d-bag. You’re much better off without him.
CARIE
Yeah, I guess.
DARLA
Well, I know. So there. You know what would get your mind off Mark?
CARRIE
What?
DARLA
A party. At my place. With Tommy’s Scouts friends.
CARIE
[laughing]
That would be quite the little event.
DARLA
I know, right? Free entertainment: what could be better?
THOMAS
OK, just so we’re clear: I’m opposed to you using our friends as a social experiment and as entertainment.
DARLA
[To CARIE] He can be so boring sometimes.
THOMAS
Darla, remember when you said if you didn’t need the rent money you would bother with me?
DARLA
Yeah?
THOMAS
Well, if I didn’t need a place to stay, I’d kill you.
[CARIE laughs and THOMAS grins]
DARLA
Oh, thanks, Thomas, I love you too!
THOMAS
Just spreading the love. Reciprocating, you know.
[MARK walks through the door]
MARK
Sorry I’m late, Tom.
THOMAS
[Taking an ugly, brown apron off]
I feel like I’ve heard that before.
DARLA
Oh, Thomas, leave the smock on! It’s so hip this season!
THOMAS
Oh, shut up Darla!
MARK
[To CARIE]
Hi, Carie.
CARIE
[Timidly, tugging on her shirt sleeve]
Hi.
DARLA
[Leading CARIE toward the door]
Well, this has been so much fun, but we really need to go. Bye, Mark!
THOMAS
[Tossing the smock to MARK]
Bye
MARK
[Quietly]
Bye, queer.
CARIE
[Turning around]
What did you just say?
DARLA
Whoa, Carie, personality shift much?
CARIE
What did you just call my friend?
MARK
You heard me.
CARIE
Oh no, you do not get to say things like that to my friends!
THOMAS
Carie, it’s OK, really.
CARIE
No, it’s not OK. No one can talk to you like that. It’s not acceptable.
MARK
Oh, come on, Carie. You know you’re just mad because I broke up with you.
DARLA
[Sitting on the counter once again on the outside of the three arguing]
Oh, damn. This is going to take a while.
CARIE
I’m mad because you’re a jerk.
DARLA
That’s putting it nicely.
MARK
Oh, get off your high horse, Carie. You walk around with your nose up in the air all day.
THOMAS
That is not true. Carie is one the most humble people I know.
DARLA
She’s practically dripping in humility.
MARK
Please, she’s full of herself! So are you, you stupid fag. You’re ego is huge!
DARLA
Well, someone’s ego is making it hard to breathe in here, but I doubt it’s Thomas’s.
CARIE
You ignorant ass****! I don’t even know why I’m fighting with you. You’re never going to do anything with your life anyway! You’ll forever live in your parent’s basement and work dead end jobs. You’re a los-
[CARIE is cut of mid-sentence by MARK slapping her across the face. She falls to the floor in surprise. DARLA rushes over to her and kneels beside her. The two slowly stand up and walk out, dazed with shock. THOMAS follows them out.]
MARK
[Yelling to THOMAS as he walks out the door]
Rot in hell, you faggot!
[Outside, CARIE and DARLA sit on a city bus stop bench and THOMAS paces in front of them, livid]
THOMAS
I could kill him. I could kill him. I would kill him, you know, if I wouldn’t get fired and jail and all that. I can’t believe him. I could just smash his face into the ground and—
DARLA
Hey, Mr. Testosterone! Cool it!
CARIE
I’m so sorry, you guys. That was all my fault.
THOMAS
No, it wasn’t. It was that stupid Mark’s fault. I’m gonna get him fired for that, you know. He will pay somehow.
CARIE
No, I shouldn’t have kept fighting. I should have just let it go, like Thomas said.
DARLA
It’s OK, Car-Bear. It’s the scary, crazy, bipolar momma bear thing about you we love. You were just defending your baby.
CARIE
[Starting to cry]
I love you guys so much!
THOMAS
[Sitting on the other side of CARIE on the bench]
We love you too, honey. Don’t cry. You know, if the Scouts guys don’t like me for who I am, I don’t even care. All I need is you and that thing [gestures at DARLA].
DARLA
Oh, I’m the “thing,” am I?
THOMAS
Shut up and give us a hug!
[The three hug. The end!]
The formatting is fail. Sorry about that. I tried. It's formatted correctly on my word doc.
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